My journey of healing

The story so far….

I was held up a mirror by my daughter a few years ago now and I didn’t like what I saw. I didn’t like the person I felt she was turning into, I thought she was manipulative and all we did was clash. She was starting to be her own self and I didn’t like what I saw and I didn’t like the relationship we had as it was broken. As I shared previously the book ‘No Drama Discipline’ by Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson, changed my understanding on the brain and how it develops. I then learnt about myself from ‘Know Your Worth’ by Anna Mathur, I was a people pleaser, I had no self worth, I didn’t love myself and I was existing for the love from my daughter and I was loosing this.

I was told your child goes with you and has to just get on with it and I had formed this misguided habit and I needed her love as I didn’t love myself.

I had a breakdown, I hit rock bottom. I recall putting my dogs leads on (yes they bark a lot) this was too much for me. I recall been in the car as a passenger and struggling to keep my eyes open. I started to run to start with to get me out of the house as I had forged a negative relationship with my husband. I didn’t know who I was, I lost significant weight as with my mind so out of control, this was something I could control. I would weigh myself daily and if I had put any weight on, I would deprive myself the following day. The scales came on holiday with me, I had to run daily. I would make my daughter bike in the cold, to ensure I ran. On weekends I’d run even longer to allow myself to eat a little more.

I don’t think I need to say anymore, I was a mess. However why couldn’t I see this?!

My body shut down, my periods stopped, I kept going.

I was ready to go to the doctors for anti depressants, I had googled Samaritans, I had the thoughts you hope no one ever had. My daughter would be fine, she had my Husband and he is a great Dad that was the story I told myself.

I chose to learn, I read book after book, I listen to podcasts daily. I learnt about my brain and body. I learnt thoughts are just thoughts and you don’t have to listen to them. I could be in the drivers seat of my own brain, I named what was in the drivers seat instead. I have Penelope she is the people pleaser inside me, I had Annie she is my anxiety. I started to unmask, I realised I had been a chameleon my whole life and took on what others did and I felt this is the way you should be and that’s not how I felt. I learnt to love myself, as I found who the real me was. Believe me when I say I know feeling your feelings isn’t easy, the easiest route would of probably just to kept going maybe get some medication to exist and I promise you feeling all the hard feelings was worth it to feel the joys of life and yes there are downs, however I would much rather feel them along with the joy then just exist.

So learning about neuroscience and how the brain worked I learnt ALOT! I learnt that the way my brain works I am a sponge, I am porous I take in everyone’s emotions. So I learnt I could have boundaries, I can choose who I spent time with, I can let people have their lives and I can know that their emotions do me more harm then good and I can put boundaries around the time or how I spend time with them. As I am not saying people are bad, I can feel how they impact my spoons and my calm. I learnt I was bored, my brain was overstimulated and under stimulated at the same time, I was ‘busy’ doing the things in life I thought you should, not necessarily things that brought me joy.

I talked to my thoughts, I talked nicely to myself. I talked to people about how I felt, because do you know what when everything was going on in my head, all these dark thoughts, all this struggle. I worked, I kept a house, I was bringing up a child, be it an misunderstood one at the time, on the outside I was good.

I learnt to heal myself, I learnt to heal and understand my daughter, I rebuilt a relationship with my Husband. I build a happy home. I have caused my family trauma and do I wish I hadn’t yes, however would I rather be who I am now then who I was before even when I have caused that yes. I have had the opportunity to dig up all the road that were build in myself, my relationships, the brain of my Husband and Daughter and I have build new roads for us all.

I still run, however I do it for me. I can have days off, recently I have re framed it to daily movement as some days I am tired and I walk, I enjoy been outside, the nature, the sky, it now brings me nourishment as I do it for me for the right reasons.

Through listening to many podcasts by Dr Chatterjee, I learnt so much about breathing properly, I now do yoga and meditate daily which gives me a piece of my day in calm to be regulated and then in moments of dis regulation as these comes on a regular basis, for example putting the dogs leads on when I have 3 dogs barking at me and getting my daughter ready for school, I can breath through it, I learnt to always look for the positive. So even though I know now due to understanding myself and my brain (having autism and ADHD) the noise is over stimulating, I can smile and know the noise is due to the dogs been so excited I am taking them for a walk, I made it into something fun they are a band and its band practise time and I sing to myself in my head ‘I am so excited’.

Through all my learning, it lite up a light inside me, i had found my passion. The mind and body is so interesting and so complex, I was helping myself an

As I healed the inner child inside me, I could learn how to play, how to make things fun and this has brought the most joy into my life. I still sometimes feel awkward as it doesn’t always come natural to me as I feel I grew up too quickly and that’s OK. I get to be a child all over again, I always want to play.

There is so much wonder and awe in the world, I don’t know when I stopped seeing it. However I see it everywhere, the little flowers that pop up in the garden, the leaves on the trees, the sky, the stars and my favourite the moon. I look at it and it brings me peace.

So I share my honest words, I share my truth in the hope you may feel seen. I know there may be thoughts in your mind you don’t say out loud. There maybe questions you have about why you feel the way you do, why you feel you are different.

Now my priority is to keep sharing all the knowledge I have learnt with you to help you too bring more joy into your life. Opening up can be hard, finding the right person someone you can trust and feel comfortable with is very important. If you want to find out if that’s me, get intouch and let’s have a discovery call to see if we are the right fit, what is there to loose, when there is so much to gain.

p.s the picture is bottom left my rock bottom every year it comes up on my timehop I can see how far I have come. The blonde me is the camelion and the top left is the real me.